i was sexually abused by my last partner

2021.12.05 10:19 xjhdhj i was sexually abused by my last partner

posting on a burner account bc im afraid they might somehow find this. a few months ago i(15M) was sexually assaulted twice by my ex partner(16GF). and pressured into things i wasn’t comfortable with a whole lot more as well. for context i am pre-transition ftm transgender, my ex is amab gender fluid(all pronouns,so i’ll use they)- also they had been emotionally abusing me and threatening me/loved ones violently n murderously for all but a month or two out of an almost year long relationship. and they physically assaulted me on one occasion because i went nonverbal (i am diagnosed with selective mutism). so that should paint a “pretty” enough picture about the relationship. i just need to get out my story of what happened to me.
one of the sexual assaults, me and my ex and my younger sibling(14NB) had been smoking weed together. i had too much because i was greened out i was so sluggish and confused i couldn’t speak a full sentence and i couldn’t walk or stand, i didn’t know what was going on the only thing i could do was look and listen. my ex was able to speak and walk fine. ex got up all the sudden and grabbed my arm and started pulling me off the bed. they turned to my sibling and said “i’m gonna go rape [name]”. i dont remember anything else they said except for that. they held me up by my arms while they walked me to another room and i think i even nearly fell over once like my knees buckled n they just picked me back up and kept walking. we got to the room and i just remember they threw me on the mattress face down and i had just laid there while they locked the door. they came back over to me and had sex with me from behind. i didnt move i wasn’t holding myself up,i didn’t say anything i didn’t make any noises. i remember being just so confused. i had sobered up more by the time they finished but they still had to put my pants back on me because i was slow and sluggish. we walked back into the other room like nothing happened.
but we were both high still and i didn’t resist or say anything. all i remember thinking was that it was wrong and that it didn’t feel good and i was so confused what was happening.i thought i couldn’t try to get away from them while i was being lead there because 1.they are about 7inches taller than me and stronger than me even while sober- 2. i could barely move or walk and by the time they were having sex with me it was like i was paralyzed. i just wish that i would have tried harder to resist because i knew that it shouldn’t have been happening i was just confused and in a daze and so weak and groggy and everything happened so quickly but so slowly too if that makes any sense at all. the memory is fuzzy but i just remember being on the bed smoking, then them getting up n saying they were going to rape me,then i was in the hall while they were grabbing my arms,and then i was face down completely still and they were in me.
on the other occasion i did try to resist really hard. they had locked the door to my room and i watched them do it because that’s what they would always do before we had sex and i thought that’s what was going to happen. but they sat on the bed and they pulled me over their lap and then pulled my pants down. i thought they were going to spank me or something. then they started pressing at my butthole and i immediately tensed up and started screaming stop and please stop over and over and over again. i remember wondering hopefully if my sibling heard me or if the people upstairs would hear me and know what was happening. i was thrashing around as much as i could and i was trying to constantly be moving my hips around so that they couldn’t stick their finger in. they were holding me down and remember that they are 7 inches taller and stronger. the hip thing didn’t work and they started to stick their dry finger inside my butt. i had told them before hundreds of times that i will only do anal with lots of lube and proper stretching. it never felt good anyways so i didn’t like it and whenever they asked if i liked it i just said it felt like i was pooping and that it stung. they had started to finger me and i remember that i tried to physically pull their hand away, i had reached back behind me and was grabbing at their wrist and hand and the finger and they grabbed my hands and held them really tight against the small of my back. it hurt really really bad. indescribable pain. it hurt even with lube. i went lax and stopped thrashing and screaming i was just laying there and sob-breathing. they got tired i guess a few minutes later and they let me go. i scooted away from them on the bed and i was frozen holding my knees up to my chest with my head down and i didnt speak or look at them and they didn’t speak to me or try to come close to me either they just went on their fucking phone started watching tik toks or something. this happened several times after but i just laid there silently in pain because i already learned my lesson that fighting it got me nowhere.
ex told me that never happened that i made it all up and that i was planting false memories in my own head. then they changed their story to that it did happen, even “apologized” for sticking their dry finger up my ass, but that i didn’t try to fight nor scream stop. i know i did i know for a fact i did because i had clear as day memories of it happening and i remembered how it hurt and how helpless i felt. they even had the gall to tell me that they would’ve remembered it if it happened bc they would’ve been “really fucking into it”.
also these aren’t really sa i think but the first time me and my ex had sex i made us go walk to a gas station down the road to get condoms. we got them and then came back home and i heard them open the wrapper and stuff (i was facing the other way). we had sex, and afterwards they told me that the condom had ripped while they were putting it on so they just did it raw. after they they refused to wear condoms whenever we had sex bc they didn’t like how they felt, and they said if i forced them to wear a condom they wouldnt be able to get it up. i was really nervous that i would get pregnant and i told them that. also they took photos of us while we were having sex one time and i didn’t know until they showed me the pictures a few days later. at first i was really uncomfortable and insecure because i never said they could take those pictures we never even discussed taking photos of us doing it before but i convinced myself that it was fine bc it would just stay between us.
(sorry this is kind of gross) they pressured me a lot to let them pee on me and when i said i was more into holding it in/omorashi they’d be like “oh u don’t rly have a piss kink” “prove you have a piss kink” and eventually they would pressure me into actually drinking it. they also pressured me into doing full on penetrative anal. they brought it up one day and wouldn’t stop talking about it for the rest of our relationship. they would sometimes just randomly shove a finger in my butt while we were having regular sex like without warning or any discussion beforehand. if i wiggled my hips around enough they’d take their finger out so i just kept doing that. we tried doing anal again but they didn’t bother to stretch me enough this time and thought that a few droplets of the lube we had left would be enough so immediately it stung really bad. i made them take it out after a few moments of them trying to tell me to just wait a second, yeah no that was one of the worst pains i’ve ever felt in my life and it still hurt for the next couple days. they would pressure me into having sex while i had a uti (which i repeatedly got im pretty sure bc of how many times we had sex while i already had a uti, i haven’t gotten one since we broke up) or when i was having bladder spasm flare-ups by telling me that it’d make me feel better. i also told them that i was worried that they could get a uti from us having sex which i realized now that that probably can’t happen, but either way they told me they didn’t care.
after it all, i struggle to keep myself alive everyday. those two times keep coming back to me i can’t stop thinking about it. i can’t wipe without thinking of it, i can’t wash myself without thinking of it, i can’t even look at myself without thinking about it. if i’m existing i am thinking about it. i don’t want to remember it i want the memories to go away i want my brain to block it out so i can pretend it never happened and not feel so fucking disgusted with myself. i’m always anxious and i have panic attacks daily. things i used to find joy and comfort in i just can’t anymore. nothing feels the same. i don’t trust myself,i don’t know who i am, i don’t know what i look like, i don’t know anything im so fucking confused and lost because i don’t know what i did wrong i don’t get it. they were supposed to love me and they told me they would never hurt me. if i brought up something i wanted to try and they weren’t fully comfortable with it but agreed anyways i would refuse to do it so why couldn’t they do that for me?? and they told my friend that i just had been using them for sex while we were still dating i never even initiated anything,i didn’t even enjoy having sex with them. in my mind i thought i loved them but physically i couldn’t feel sexual attraction after everything they did. but i didn’t want to make them angry or upset or break up with me so i convinced myself there was just something wrong with me and kept on doing it. we would have sex multiple times every single time we saw each other without fail n i felt so guilty because i couldn’t make my body react the way it was supposed to.
i wanna add in here that the only reason i stayed with them was because they consistently told me if i ever tried to leave they would kill themselves, kill me or kill my loved ones. they are a violent felon with access to knives and guns so i believed them.
that’s about all of it. thank you for listening to my story.
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2021.12.05 10:19 Markoddyfnaint Questions beginning "Is it?"

Sorry if this has been posted before, but I couldn't find anything on this, here or elsewhere!
How are questions using "Is it...?" formed in Welsh? So for example, "Is it possible that...?
I thought it would be something like "Ydy hi'n bosib bod...?", but Google translate has it has "A yw'n bosib bod...?".
I've come across the interogative particle A before, and I know "Ydy/yw" can be interchangeable, but would "Ydy hi'n bosib..?" be considered a correct form, and where does A/yw fit it, and why/when should it be used?
Many thanks.
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2021.12.05 10:19 Nintendildos There’s a Azelda Majoras mask and OOT roms with “(Gamecube edition)” next to it. Is that some kind of rom hack?

If so, how is it different? I booted up the original roms to compare to the “Gamecube edition” roms and they look the same to me. I’m new to Zelda games so I didn’t actually play through the entire games only to compare the beginning of the roms to see the difference and I didn’t see the difference.
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2021.12.05 10:19 kawwmoi Questions about modding alignment

Short Version: what specifically do I need to check off in Toybox to make it so I can be a chaotic good Monk?
Long Version: So I started playing Wrath of the Righteous as a Scaled Fist Monk. I love my build, my character, my choices, etc, I don't want to change them. I made it to the battle of Drezen, raised the Sword of Valor and gained mythic tier 3. I decided to go with Azata because none of the other paths had abilities I really cared about and have been planning to switch to Legend at 20 anyway so wasn't too concerned about alignment. Then I met Aivu. I have had Aivu for literally a single conversation before pausing my game to figure this out because if anything happens to her I'm going to kill everyone in my crusade and then myself.
I downloaded Toybox, I hit some buttons that I thought would work ("Ignore Alignment When Choosing A Class" under Create and Level Up on the Level Up tab), but when I try to retrain it keeps forcing me to select a Lawful alignment at the end of Character Creation. So what do I do to make it so that I can both stay a Monk and do the Azata quests? I want to limit my modding (on this playthrough, I'll break all the everything on another) to just removing alignment restrictions. Also, as a side question, if I take Legend at tier 8 do I lose Aivu or just the selectable path abilities and feats?
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